All You Can Stomach

I hate buffets. Always have. Always will. Be it at a wedding, a company dinner, or at a venue where I fork over (pun intended) my hard-earned money.

Maybe it’s because I grew up in the land of $1.99 all-you-can-eat buffets, but to put it eloquently, buffets gross me out.

It’s not just the copious amounts of food that strangers probe that turns my stomach. It’s those food-probing strangers that turn my stomach.

Last night I had the misfortune of being tricked into a dinner buffet. I say "tricked" because it was three days before Halloween and we had just come from a kids Halloween party with our adorable princess and our brave knight. I was all dressed up (as a "Fairy on the Edge," complete with a fishnet body stocking and Dr. Marteens, circa 1986) and ready to par-tay--party with the big people, not the little ones, so when my husband suggested sushi I thought that might be a good intro to the evening. Someone mentioned a new sushi restaurant at Northgate. OK. Why not? The kids love sushi, then maybe we could drop them off at Grandma's and make a night of it.

Let me also say that I am not a fan of chain restaurants, so the fact that the Blue Fin Sushi and Seafood restaurant is adjacent to JC Penney's at Northgate Mall should have been my first clue. Now, this is not a Blue Fin slam. It is what it is. Unfortunately, I didn't know what it was.

It looked decent from the outside, and Northgate Mall is in the midst of gentrification. It was upon walking in that my stomach sank--mobs of people poking at bountiful platters of raw fish. Without saying a word, but with sighing heavily, I glared at my husband, at this person who is supposed to know me, who at the very least is supposed to be aware of my buffet aversion. The "Fairy on the Edge" was teetering off the edge. And this is where it gets interesting...

My groom decided to turn it into a fight. "We always go where you want to go anyway, so just pick the restaurant." Had my fairy powers been working properly, fire would have shot from my eyes and he would have been a pile of ashes at my feet. I should have said, "Yes, we do. Let's go," and flew out the doors. Instead, I said nothing and simmered as we were shown to our table--in the back of the restaurant, either because of our two young children or because I had a flame-red wig and wings. On the way, I watched with digust as a man walked around the buffet with his plate piled high and popped sushi into his mouth.

I lost my appetite, and I didn't find it the rest of the evening.

Buffet Etiquette: Rule #1
Do not eat directly from the buffet line. Wait, no matter how hard it may be, until you return to your table and take a seat.

Buffet Etiquette: Rule #2
Do not take more than you are going to eat.

I took my little princess and got her a nice selection of her favorites--rice, miso soup, edamame, shrimp and tamago. Low and behold, we ran into the sushi-popper. He was at the tempura station--picking out all of the tempura shrimp.

Buffet Etiquette: Rule #3
Do not pick through the food, dismantling as you go, in order to pick out exactly what you want.

At this point, I wanted a couple of shots of Patron to make it all go away. Unfortunately, for me, Blue Fin serves only beer and wine. I ordered a bottle of Nigori. Fresh out. OK. How about an Asahi? Nope. Sapporo? Bingo!

Long story short...I took a swig of beer, girded my fairy skirt, and headed into the food-probing throngs. I stood in line to get ahi poke, watching with disdain as the woman in front of me picked through the tuna to ensure she got only tuna--no onions or cilantro, thank you. I couldn't take any more.

In the end, I paid $25.99 for two pieces of sushi and bit of ahi. (That woman took most of it. I got the dregs.) The Sapporo was extra. As was the tip. (For what?!?! I got my own food!) Mind you, the kids' meals were a bargain at $5 each! They ate more than I did.

Buffets are lost on me. I don't eat nearly enough to get my money's worth--and no one should! In short, at a restaurant, I want my food brought to me. I want to be served. I do not want to witness the glutony of others.

And in the end, with my party mood down the drain, I went home, peeled off my wig and wings and put the kids and myself to bed.